Maturity and Videogames

Last year, a bunch of sexist assholes started harassing women and journalists in the video game industry. For better or worse, I never became involved in it - I don't post much on Twitter and am too nervous about doxxing or whatever to do that anyway - but I watched with increasing horror from the sidelines the horrible shit these "men" did to people who did nothing but make or criticize games. Aside from feeling ashamed that I did nothing, it was the start of a major change for me in my relationship with video games.


I've loved them my entire life, and still do, but instead of being this cool thing where I felt like I was a part of a community who understood me and what I liked, this insane, stupid sexist "movement" made me realize that anyone - even gamers - are capable of some truly reprehensible, evil shit. Aside from the occasional new game, I've barely bought a game in over a year, not even retro ones. It's been mostly Final Fantasy XIV and the occasional RPG, not the hundreds of dollars on SNES games or whatever I'd spent in previous years. It's not as though there aren't still games I want, either! I just became so sick of the toxicity surrounding my favorite hobby, that I wanted nothing to do with it. Because I'm still a nerd, I dove headfirst into a different obsession, Doctor Who, and started buying up all kinds of crap related to that - comics, audio plays, novels, etc. - and just tried to ignore the whole video games thing, at least on the internet. I became disengaged with video game news to the point that I'd see a post on the only forum I still frequent, Talking Time, and be surprised that a game that I was interested in was already out and people were already playing it, when I hadn't even heard of it. That hadn't happened to me since I was a little kid! I really enjoyed that feeling, where this hobby just surprises me with good games out of the blue, as opposed to years of anticipation just for a game to fail to meet my expectations. I liked not feeling that sense of "community" any more, forcing my fondness of videogames into a sort of internal exile, for lack of a non-pretentious way to put it.


I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've gone from being proud of being a "gamer," someone who openly wears his "gamer" persona in public, to being a closeted nerd about it again because I'm ashamed of it, mostly from the GG shit from last year. I also had a roommate from 2012-2014 who, as far as I know, is not one of those GG assholes, but is definitely the guy who AAA games are made for these days. You know, your Call of Duties, Assassin's Creeds, etc. There's nothing wrong with those games, or fans of those games, but talking to him about videogames made me realize that there is a line that I don't want to cross, where liking games can be a fun hobby, to an obsession. This guy could talk about the ergonomics of a controller for 45 minutes - I am not exaggerating - and while that can be charming in a sort of dorky way, I felt kind of embarrassed for him. I mean it's not like he's antisocial or anything, in fact he just got married, but I had no interest beyond maybe 5 minutes of that controller discussion, and he could not pick up on my social cues to maybe move the topic of conversation on. This happened multiple times, and because I didn't want to make him feel bad, I didn't ever say anything about it, so it's kind of my fault too. The only reason I bring it up is because I don't want to be that guy to anyone. I don't discuss Final Fantasy XIV with my fiancée, because she doesn't care. I don't discuss it with my boss because he doesn't care. I text a buddy of mine about it because he plays it too, but I hope that if he wanted me to stop texting him about it, he'd tell me (I don't think he does, though, as we had an amusing text exchange about the existence of "ice mages" in Final Fantasy XIV yesterday. I still maintain they are a myth.). He just started dating a girl who, as far as I can tell, isn't much of a "gamer," so he hasn't been online much. While I would like him to play the game when he can, it makes me happy that he has his priorities straight. If he was playing FF14 constantly and the relationship with that girl didn't work out because of it, it'd be very, very sad. There's a fine line, and I have to be careful about it too, because if my fiancée got to the point where she felt I wasn't paying attention to her, I'd drop my FF14 subscription immediately with no hesitation. I love the game, but I need her more than I need videogames, any of them.


Which gets back to being slightly ashamed of videogames. I bought some videogame t-shirts at PAX a few years back, and now I only wear them around the house for the most part. They're not ugly or anything, they just seem... childish. In fact, I have absolutely no desire to go back to PAX, not just because the Penny Arcade guys seem more and more like GG supporters, but because I just don't want to be around other people who are obsessed with this stuff. Audience Q&As are some of the most painful things for me to watch, be it in person or on Youtube or whatever, because the people who get up and ask questions are such goddamn insufferable nerds, that until they shit their fourteen minute-long question out, I am squirming and uncomfortable until the person on stage starts talking, and even then, sometimes the question is so fucking awkward, I'm still struggling because the person on stage has to be polite when trying to respond to whatever insane fucking question the neckbeard asked them. "Where did you get the idea for Sephiroth because I love his long flowing silver hair and dark clothes and giant sword but he has motivation for what he did, you know? How hard was Nibelheim to design?" and then the hyperventilating nerd sits down and the poor bastard on stage has to deal with that shit. Someone could point a gun at me at that exact moment and I would genuinely welcome death.


So you've got these assholes who are ruining women's lives because they deign to say things like "hey I don't like all these games with tits hanging out, could we maybe have games that I could play that don't have rape in them?" or even just making the games they'd like to see themselves. If a game has a feminism bent to it, the creator of that game has to face some danger, which is the most fucking insane thing I've ever seen with regards to this dumb hobby. WHO FUCKING CARES if someone likes, wants, or makes something you don't? Isn't that the point of being a nerd anyway? Liking something other people don't and feeling smug about it? God forbid when that shit gets turned around on nerds, because then it's doxxing and SWATing time. Nerds have become the jocks in high school who used to torture them. They're worse, actually, because eventually high school ends. These fuckers will be harassing women forever. While I'd like to believe people will grow up and learn to empathize, I'm too cynical for that. That's why I'll likely be hiding my videogame fandom to most people for the rest of my life - I don't want to be associated with those assholes.