The game that showed me the DS didn't suck

Mario Kart DS is the best Mario Kart ever. It combined perfect controls, great levels, great music, and damn good graphics in one fantastic package. To add to all of this, it also had online races, which I played the fuck out of.

Snaking, though. I can do it, but I can see why people don't like it. It really limits the fun you can have while playing Mario Kart. Having a match between people who do nothing but snake is exhilarating, but tiring. At my Mario Kart DS peak, I could only play 5 or 6 matches before my hands cramped into a gnarled mass of fingers. And snaking against people who either couldn't or refused to wasn't any fun either, and I actually felt bad about it, so I tried not to do it. It really did break the game.

But that's not to say it sucked, though. Mario Kart DS introduced missions, which were excellent single player diversions for people like me who had no one nearby who wanted to play the game. There were plenty of missions, and some of them were balls hard.

I never really got into Battle Mode in any of the Mario Kart's, though, so my opinion of Mario Kart DS's version of it is pretty much the same as the other Mario Kart games: fairly boring.

Overall, Mario Kart DS is a fantastic game and if you missed it, you really missed out on the best version of Mario Kart to date.

To celebrate Mario Kart Wii's upcoming release, I will periodically be posting about various other games in the Mario Kart series. This is the first such post.

Horseshit Incarnate

Okay, now I must write a short (bitchy) post about Pokemon. About something that has been bugging me for over a year.

WHAT HAPPENED TO STORING ITEMS ON THE PC?!

Seriously, I'm sick of having to scroll through 200 items to get to the bottom (where the game automatically places any item you newly obtain or unequip from your Pokemon). Can I store my 17 Fire Stones? How about all of this shit you can only get once that I don't need right now, but would like to keep? How could they leave that out of the fourth generation? What an annoying fucking omission.

Why are Pokemon Diamond and Pearl so good?

Since Pokemon Diamond and Pearl will have been out for a year next week, I thought I'd do a little writing about the games for a little while. I'd like to post something about them all week, but it will be a hectic week, so I guess we'll see.

Before Pokemon Diamond and Pearl were released, I really didn't care too much about them. I didn't follow previews, I didn't know exactly when they were going to be released save for mere chance about a week before they were released (hell, probably about a year ago today), and I didn't really care. I had been burnt out from Ruby, Sapphire, and Emerald in 2003, and more Pokemon didn't really sound too much fun to me, even four years after those games.

I don't know what made me do it, but I picked up Pokemon Diamond the day the game came out last year. I started the game up, picked Chimchar, and began. I'm not sure if it was the graphics, the music, or the overall presentation that kept me hooked, but boy, was I hooked. I played and played and played and played and a year later, I now have all 493 Pokemon (I caught all of them legit, except for the stupid ones that you can only get when Nintendo supposedly "gives them away" at specific events - hey Nintendo, want to give any of those Pokemon away to someone who doesn't live in New York City or Tokyo?), three stars on my silver Trainer's Card, and around 12 Pokemon at level 100, all raised legit by me with the help of a Lucky Egg(that I obtained legit!). I realize 12 Pokemon at level 100 isn't really all that many compared to some of the people that play this game "competitively", but for me that's huge. You see, I was never into raising Pokemon to level 100. The only other time I've done it is in Pokemon Red and Blue, while abusing the item duplicator cheat to obtain Rare Candies, of course. So for me to willingly raise some of my favorite Pokemon to level 100 is a pretty impressive feat...for me.

It really is hard for me to say why the fourth generation Pokemon games hooked me so hard. Really, aside from a few points, the games are just graphically updated and roster updated versions of Red and Blue, with few new features. Granted, the online trading and battling is goddamn fantastic, so perhaps that is part of it. Lately, I've even been fantasizing about picking up a copy of Pearl to play through the main story mode again, which is something I haven't yearned for since Red and Blue. And there really wouldn't be a point to that, because I've caught all of them. Oh well. I tip my hat to you, Pokemon Company. Pokemon Diamond is excellent, for some reason I'm having trouble articulating.

Question: Subspace Emissary? Answer: Letdown

The Adventure mode in Super Smash Bros. Melee was entertaining, even awesome the first time you play through it. It contained multiple side-scrolling levels designed around actual games that the stars of Melee were in, such as the Mushroom Kingdom level or the F-Zero race. Playing through all of these various homages to games as, say, Link from Zelda or (my favorite) Sheik, while beating the crap out of Goombas, ReDeads, and other assorted Nintendo enemies was pretty sweet and fairly satisfying.

Which is why Super Smash Bros. Brawl's "Subspace Emissary" mode is so much of a letdown. First of all (and this is the worst offender), the levels, other than just a few exceptions (literally like two or three exceptions) are all generic and are not throwbacks to various levels found in old Nintendo games like Star Fox or Pokemon, or anything like that. (I realize there are levels designed around this for battling in multiplayer, but those don't count - again, this is about the one player mode) HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?! Why would Nintendo (or Sakurai, or whoever) design generic, stupid levels? I understand they need to have new design to support Smash's gameplay, but for Christsakes, use graphics from the old games (whether ripped right from them or redone)! Why did I have to play through Generic Desert Level as Ike from Fire Emblem? What was the fucking point? The whole point of Smash Bros. is to bring back waves of nostalgia while fighting, and they missed that completely with generic level designs that have very little, if any, resemblance to the old games.

And that brings me to my next point. Why are the enemy designs generic as well? Why are they weird, stupid little puppet-looking things that aren't culled from any previous Nintendo game? Now, there are a few levels with Goombas and Koopas, but not many, and that is it. Why can't I fight against the Eggplant Wizards from Kid Icarus? Where are the enemies from Donkey Kong Country? As mentioned above, bring back the ReDeads! How about fighting against Kirby enemies (besides the one King DeDeDe can throw)?

I even have complaints about some of the bosses. It's really cool that Ridley is in there - but twice? In a Metroid game, that's perfectly acceptable, but since this is Smash Bros, there should have been fights from other games. How about fighting Twinrova from Ocarina of Time? Or, perhaps something from Twilight Princess? Instead, we get two Ridley fights, Rayquaza, a stupid big Piranha Plant from Mario, and a bunch of stupid generic, boring bosses. Nintendo has had some truly epic bosses in their games - why waste all of their potential? And really, that's what Subspace Emissary ended up being - a goddamn waste. I doubt I'll ever play it again unless I have to play it to get trophies I missed. (Stupid fucking boss trophies.)

(Click here for Brawl Thoughts #2)
(Click here for Brawl Thoughts #1)

More on Minish Cap/Phantom Hourglass

So I've slowly been playing through Minish Cap, and I'm enjoying it quite a bit. Sure, the story is forgettable (any Zelda game with Vaati as the main enemy means the story will be shit), but the gameplay actually holds up fairly well. And since lately I'm obsessed with writing about the portable Zeldas, I will continue to compare this one to Phantom Hourglass.

First of all, the heart pieces. In Minish Cap, you collect four of these to form a new heart container. In Phantom Hourglass, you collect one. That is pure, unfiltered, uncut horseshit. Did you just beat a minigame? Here, have a Heart Container! Did you just catch all the fish? Have a fuckin' Heart Container! Also, other than the ones you get in dungeons and the ones you start out with, there are only six fucking Heart Containers to collect! Horse. Shit.

(Okay, I guess that was more of an attack on Phantom Hourglass than a comparison between it and Minish Cap. Oh well.)

Secondly, the items. Sure, Phantom Hourglass puts new spins on old items (such as the Boomerang, where you literally draw the path it flies - had all the other items been as fun as this one to use, I wouldn't be complaining about the items so much, but the other items certainly are not as good as this), but goddammit, most of them have been in the series since day one! Even Twilight Princess had great new items(as well as its fair share of shitty ones), but Phantom Hourglass has relatively few new items! And the most important new "item" is only used for the worst part of the fucking game! And guess what! You don't actually use the item - it's just a timer for that annoying fucking temple! Delightful!

But yeah, Minish Cap's items. Many old items return (like the Bow and Arrows or Bombs) but some fairly interesting new ones appear as well. And, unlike in Phantom Hourglass, most of the items need to be used throughout the entire game in order to successfully traverse the countryside! Tell me, how many times did you use the Hammer outside of the temple it is found in? Pretty goddammed rarely, if at all.

Basically, as I play through more and more Minish Cap, I realize how much better it is than Phantom Hourglass. Both of them are entertaining games, but wow, is Minish Cap better.

(Click here for my first Minish Cap article)

Brawl Thoughts #2

Another minor complaint about Super Smash Bros. Brawl:

What happened to the Target Test levels tailored to specific characters? Some of the Target Test levels in Melee were amazing. Now its the same five levels for everyone. What the fuck?

Perhaps these should be in another post, but screw it: I also miss the "Board the Platforms" mode, and what happened to the "Race to the Finish!" mode?

Imagine being Sonic and running as fast as you can to the end... hell, it'd be like a Sonic game...

Speaking of which, one of these days I'm going to post about how shitty the Subspace Emissary is. Which is to say, really fucking shitty.

(Click here for Brawl Thoughts #1)

Brawl Thoughts #1

Where did the Bonuses go?

Seriously. It's a small complaint, I know, but it's been bugging me. In Melee, there was even an entire multiplayer mode devoted to these little bonuses, and not only is that mode gone in Brawl, but the bonuses are also completely gone.

It's certainly not the most annoying part about Brawl, which overall is still a fantastic game. But it does bug me...

Was there a GBA Zelda...?

Well? Was there? ...Oh yeah, there was. The Minish Cap. I forgot about that one.

Just kidding. I did start playing it again, though, after beating it once three years ago then never touching it again. I must say something: so far, I think it is better than Phantom Hourglass.

Ooh, there's a segue for ya.

Now, I'm not saying Phantom Hourglass is bad. But the main dungeon, the one where you have to trek through the same parts over and over and over again until you beat the game is absolutely fucking terrible. For a game that (to me) is supposed to appeal to casual gamers as well as traditional Zelda fans, that dungeon is absolutely ridiculous.

I'm not saying its too hard; I'm saying it's too fucking repetitive.

The rest of the game is brilliant, if not a little easy. Now, Minish Cap is no difficult game, either; it's certainly not the hardest Zelda game ever. Hell, it is certainly one of the easier Zeldas. But, there are some great puzzles to be had in Minish Cap: switch from regular size to small, then try to traverse Hyrule Castle Town. Not easy, is it? You have to weave in and out of buildings, go over rooftops, avoid puddles (which are basically bottomless pools to you in that form), and watch out for Cuccos along the way.

What's your average puzzle like in Phantom Hourglass? "Five rooms ahead, you must hit the switches in this order: 3, 1, 2, 4. Um, you should probably write that down." And then you write that down, and then guess what? Five rooms later, you hit the switches in that order.

Holy shit. That was unexpected.

Yes, the controls are pretty good (although rolling is a bitch) and yes, the boss battles, while easy, are fun as fucking hell, but come on. The puzzles were fucking lame in Phantom Hourglass.

And what is it with me and thinking that all the portable Zelda's since Link's Awakening are forgettable as hell? It's probably just nostalgia talking (Link's Awakening was my first Zelda and all), but the other portable Zelda's just haven't been that good, I don't think.

And as far as consoles go, we absolutely need another Majora's Mask. Jesus that game was good.

That's a lot of dinero, folks

As posted on Kotaku earlier today, Rock Band will cost somewhere in the range of thirty seven million dollars, or 240 Euros, in Europe when it is released.

For that price, you might as well buy your own fucking band and have them play all the fucking songs for you on their own instruments, which are probably cheaper than the game anyway.

Apollo Justice

So I just finished Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney today. I played through the first three games (the Phoenix Wright series) and loved them. And while I enjoyed Apollo Justice, there are a few problems I had with it.

PHOENIX WRIGHT/APOLLO JUSTICE SPOILERS AHEAD!

1. As I'm sure you can imagine, my first complaint is the lack of characters from previous games. Phoenix is in this game (thankfully) and you get to find out quite a bit about his story, but where the fucking Christ are Edgeworth, Maya, Pearl, etc.? They aren't even mentioned!

2. If you want to introduce new characters and story arcs, Capcom, then focus more on the new characters. Apollo Justice? Who? I felt as though I was playing as Phoenix most of the time anyway, except when the camera would pan over to show Apollo's sprite. Every time this happened, I thought, "What the hell happened to Phoenix?"

3. Apollo's hair is fucked up:

(Anyone see There's Something About Mary?)

4. Four cases? Four cases?! This was bad enough in Justice for All, but after Trials & Tribulations you go back to four, Capcom?! What the fuck gives?!

5. Another mob case. Because you know, that wasn't done already in the same goddamn series.

Thus ends my abbreviated list. Although the game was enjoyable overall, these problems really made the game lack the quality of the last games in the series(Justice for All excluded - that game is the worst in the series by far - perhaps I should save that topic for another post).